thewritersbarn

Writing because words are the essence of my life.


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Elf Musings

Did you know that elves have big feet? No, I didn’t either until I started working in the Wish Kingdom with Father Christmas. I work with 8 other elves and the smallest of these has a size 7 foot. Mine are an 8. Five elves have feet bigger than mine. Interesting, eh?

Big feet are useful when you’re standing on them all day. I was thinking of running a sweepstake. You have to guess exactly when my feet will stop aching. I finish work at 6 pm on Christmas Eve and would hope that at some time on the 28th December I will have soothed feet. At the moment they feel like my hands and fingers felt before my carpal tunnel surgery in August – very numb!

A bit of an update on names. Among the Jayden, Kians, Finlays, Maisies and Rosie-Maes yesterday I had a Jarvery. Jarvery? What can that possibly mean? Is it meaningless? Should names actually mean anything? I pondered that for a good while yesterday afternoon. But I also had a Stanley! ‘Oh what a splendid name!’ I exclaimed to the Dad. ‘Strong and upright!’ In my head I was thinking ‘no daft or poncey names for you, eh Sir?’ I also had an Alice (lovely!) and a Grace. Grace is a lovely name but do you have to be sure your daughter will grow up slim, willowy and petite? I’m so glad I wasn’t called Grace, it just wouldn’t have fit. I had several Violets and a large number of Scarletts and one Sianne (Cyan) so that was lovely and colourful.

I also had an Ocean which was nice, and a couple of Summers. All I need now is a Breeze and I’ll have a full collection of Airwick room fresheners.

Today is a day off and I feel like I am staring into the abyss of the last three days before Christmas. I already know we are fully booked tomorrow and Christmas Eve so we are going to be inundated with parents who can’t understand why their precious child can’t see Santa right NOW! They will become annoyed, aggressive and rude. They are parents who haven’t managed their own time or their children’s’ expectations and they will accuse me of being the murderer of Christmas spirit like I was last weekend no doubt. I hope I’m not wished an unmerry Christmas this weekend though!

So if you are passing a grotto, give the elves a smile and a wave and spare a thought for their feet.

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Observations of a Grotto Elf

I spend many, many hours stood in my little booth watching the world go by, especially during the week when it’s quieter so I have time to ponder, get philosophical or imaginative, or just bitch quite frankly. The Grotto is surrounded by New Look, The Body Shop, SuperDry (?) and a boutique called Quiz which quite honestly entrances me, not least because they only have one CD, a dance CD, that they play over and over and over again but not quite loud enough so that I can hear the words. Anyway, Quiz sells clothes for small, thin women, that are a little garish for my taste but nonetheless I quite fancy myself in the gold lame dress that I think you would wear around your middle. It would start just above your nipples, depending how droopy or pert your boobs are, and end just below the knicker line (one hopes). Once I embarked upon puberty there was never a moment in my entire life where I could have worn such a frock. The last time I was a size 12 I WAS 12 and already 5 ft 6! But still…

So fancying myself as a bit of a fashionista yesterday afternoon I had a good look at what people were wearing and I’d like to offer some ‘Fashion Tips from an Elf’.

  1. If you have a big bum and small ankles ‘boyfriend trousers’ look stupid.
  2. Actually, all boyfriend trousers look stupid, especially green ones.
  3. Black ballet pumps and thick black tights make you look like you’re walking around in stocking feet. Impressive because I actually looked at you twice, Miss.
  4. In any case, unless you’re a 6 year old in a dance class, ballet pumps just look WRONG! No adult woman looks good in completely flat shoes. Big girls like myself look HIDEOUS in ballet pumps. It’s all about keeping things in proportion ladies.
  5. Wearing tracksuit bottoms, or whatever they are called these days, especially the grey sweatshirty type ones, make you look like you’ve just come out of the Nick. But maybe that’s my own private aversion … Not it isn’t! Don’t wear them!
  6. If you have any wobbly bits at all, any sweatshirty type material will just allow your flesh to judder in public. Don’t do it!
  7. The current trend for hair that looks like candy floss is not sexy. If anyone wanted to run their hands through your hair would it be sticky and tangley? Ugh *shudders*
  8. Fashion designers should look at kids’ clothes and make large scale versions. Kids look fab. All bright and colourful. I would like some purple boots with embroidered flowers in the shops next year thank you!
  9. Wearing droopy jeans and showing off your George at Asda pants is like, so yesterday?
  10. Gentleman, sad fact, unlike women you can wear anything you like. But, alack and alas, unless you’re devilishly handsome, or wearing a sharp suit, you’ll look scruffy anyway.

But I would like to congratulate all those Mums who turn up looking immaculate. Kudos!